End Of The Road?
I could have given up on this hobby. I could easily walk away now without any regrets knowing that I left my mark and created a little legacy of my own. But the lure of this hobby is just too strong. I mean why cut yourself off when you’re having time of your life? Right?
You can go and ask the typical “modeller” and you get the usual responses. Time, spouses, space, commitments, money etc. The list just keeps going. If you let them, that is. When it comes to this hobby, I have to make significant sacrifices. Well, maybe not so much if I am a casual collector/assembler. But I am anything but that. It has always meant to be serious from the very start. So what how serious is “serious”? Well, that I will leave it for a future post.
However, this hobby does have its many inconveniences. A lot of you will agree with me in that respect. For starters, it is time/skill intensive. You devote a huge amount of time to hone your skills/techniques. So if you want to be good, a large portion of your time will be spent practicing techniques/skills repeatedly. There is no easy way around it. In the most ideal situation, you are able to achieve a certain proficiency, that is if you can juggle work/family/girlfriends/mistresses/games/work again whatever. But we all know better. It takes a lot of dedication and perseverance to follow through. A Herculean effort if I may.
So how many of these nights you guys clocked?
And so for me, it means sleep has to go sometimes. Or maybe most of the time. So yeah, I tried my best, spent most of my time practicing the craft. Putting in 5-7 hours every day after office hours without fail until it became ingrained in me. So you can imagine I’ll be sitting down at least 15 hours in one seating and surviving on like what? 2-3 hours of sleep a day. Multiply that by the number of years (let’s say plus minus 15 yrs), I’m very surprised that I don't have any major incapacity or illnesses to contend with. Well, except the auto immune disorder I "acquired" years ago.
Looks familiar?
I don’t know why. But this year, I have been constantly thinking about the future, my future to be exact. My concerns for my well-being has taken precedence. Perhaps I’m closing in on the big 4, it is only reasonable for me to worry about my mortality.
If I can wish, I wish to be there for my children, in every single phase of their lives. I want to be with them as long as possible. And that is why I am prepared to hang up my airbrush for good and return to “civilization”. Why can't I just take it easy and treat this leisurely? Well, that is like operating at a lesser capacity and to me, that IS like half baked. I can't do that. Not me definitely.
Admit it, I got carried away for 15 bloody long years. I used to be fit in my younger days so it wasn’t an issue but even that has taken its toll and the cracks are now showing. I am beginning to feel the “side effects” of my reckless endeavors and careless indulgences.
I must pay heed to all the warning signs. It's NOT a laughing matter anymore. My body took a serious beating and it is finally giving way. It’s just that I don’t feel it when I’m having fun. I look at myself now and how unhealthy and uninspired I have become, I know some intervention has to be introduced before I hit the wall. I don’t want to admit, but I can't go on like this forever, squeezing the very thing that is keeping me alive, that is life.
And this is where I think I am the absolute jerk as well. I’m too selfish as I placed fun ahead of my responsibilities. I neglect my other duties and roles I am suppose to fulfill.
This is wrong. The gravity of the situation warrants my immediate attention and urgent action. It’s either to take charge of my life or face the consequences later.
And so it was decided, I started an exercise regime. I even signed up for gym, go for walks/runs, started watching my diet. It is probably now or never for me. I need something to latch on, something to fight for. And nothing beats fighting for the future. I want to be in the driving seat once more.
So far, the results has been encouraging. My weight has since dropped and I am gaining some muscles back. I am feeling happier, more focused and less grouchy. There is a renewed enthusiasm about life in me, about many things and the future. I hit the gym regularly and I put in as much exercise as I can. I am so in sync with myself right now.
But I am taking it slowly, one step at a time. Gradually, I'll be cutting down on my commitment to this hobby. I WANT more quality snooze time. I'll gradually relieve myself of the things that are tying me down for oh so long. Sometimes, letting go is less damaging than holding on. Credentials, fame, glory are of no importance to me now. They never were.
Why am I writing this? Because it is about time everyone knows that this hobby, it's not all sunny and nice, warm and fuzzy. I made sacrifices to stay within the flow, ahead of the pack. There are ups and downs, struggles, conflicts, politics, rants and truckloads of shit people that will cross your path and try to destroy you. They are the ones that make you hate this hobby sometimes. Well, you can be zen about all of these. But fact is, we are all humans and we're still susceptible to elements we can't control or predict. Nevertheless, we pick ourselves up from time to time and learn from the experience. But how much can you do before you say "fuck this shit!"?
Is this farewell? I don't think so. Not by a long chalk. I still have so much more to give. Old farts like me still can contribute to the community, amid creating lesser noise LOL. I just thought it would be good to reveal a little about myself, about the on-going struggles within me. And that Toymaker, he, is an ordinary joe...
And he doesn't drink diesel for energy too....
Toymaker out.
